Jokes

Huh !! kya Kismat hia

2005-12-26T01:31:00.000-08:00

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!" The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out; he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too." The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move! During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us." A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness." Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious." The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

Julam ho raha hia :)

2005-12-26T01:29:00.000-08:00

Gandhijee Fourth Monkey

2005-11-27T23:53:00.000-08:00

2005-11-27T02:49:00.000-08:00

Could u fax me ur photo very very urgently ? Mind u - really very very urgent, damn serious and very imp.....
I'm playing cards andwe've misplaced the JOKER.

from Mon to Sun, From Jan To Dec,
From birth till my death,
my feelings 4 u have never changed.
For me, you've always been
..........a headache!

U & ME laughing,
U & ME crying,
U & ME dreaming,
U & ME holding on,
U & ME...
just U & ME sitting in a MENTAL HOSPITAL & ME CHECKING U. >

Falling in love is a sweet ambition,
finding true love is a life time mission..
Take my word, follow the Indian tradition
& marry ur dad's decision !

cannot hide this from u any more.
I don't want 2 hurt u
and I feel it's best if I tell u,
before you hear it from someone else ...........
Potato Prices Have Gone Up !

Maine poochha chand se
"dekha hai kahin mere yaar sa hasin",
Chand ne kaha
"Abey, itni upar se dikhta hai kya".

Good looks catch the eyes,
but good Personality catches the heart.
You are blessed with both!
FLATTERED???
Don't Be!!! It was sent to ME, and I just wanted you to read it...

Woh chum le ek bar, to aati nahi neend,
unki meethi awaaz mein hee, raat jaati hai beet,
isliye kehta hoon yaaro,
kachhua jalao machchar bhagao

It's funny when people discuss LOVE MARRIAGE vs ARRANGED. It's like asking
someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

sunsaan sadak ke paas ke sukhe hue peepal ki tuti hui tehni ke murjhaye hue patte par baithe hue bhoot ke pair(leg) se nikalte hue khoon ke bimar bacteria, how r u?

Saas saw her bahu sleeping with other man, but she didn't tell her son because,
"saas bhi kabhi bahu thi"

Ek admi sadhu se bola, meri biwi bahut pareshan karti hai, koi upay batao.
sadhu bola, saale upaay hota to mai sadhu kyun banta?

What's the similarity between MOBILE and MARRIAGE - In both case you
feel "aur thoda ruk jaata to accha model milta"

Bhagwan ko gussa kab aata hai? jab koi ladki shadi se pehle pregnant ho,
uski maa bole "HEY BHAGWAN YE TUNE KYA KIYA?".

A sardar lost his donkey, but still he was dancing, someone asked him y r u dancing?
sardar said achha hua main gadhe pe nahi baita tha varna main bhi kho jata.

2005-11-27T02:46:00.000-08:00

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble
with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Tom
what is your problem?"

Tom answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade.
My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than
she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Tom to the
principal's office.

While Tom waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a
test and if he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

She agreed. Tom was brought in and the conditions
were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Tom: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Tom: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal
thought a third-grade should know.The principal looks
at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Tom can go to
the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some
questions?"

The principal and Tom both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I
have only two of?

Tom, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I
do not have?"

Tom: "Pockets."
Ms Brooks: What starts with a C and ends with a T is
hairy,oval,and delicious and contains thin whitish
liquid?

Tom: Coconut

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out
soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer,But Tom was taking charge.

Tom: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman
does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer...

Tom: Shake hands.

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of
questions, okay?

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me
down to get me up.I get wet before you do.

Tom: Tent.

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me
when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

Tom: Wedding Ring.

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I
drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Tom: Nose.

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I
come with a quiver.

Tom: Arrow.

Ms Brooks: What word starts with 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means a lot of heat and excitement?

Tom: Fire truck.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to
the teacher,"Send Tom to University, I got the last
ten questions wrong myself!"

2005-11-27T02:38:00.000-08:00

A Bihari hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side.
A few hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were gone. He looked up and to his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats. The Bihari sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down.
While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment, the monkeys were doing the same. Next, he took down his own hat, the monkeys did exactly the same. An idea came to him, he took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.
Fifty years later, his grandson, Laloo, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. It was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor. He woke up and
realized that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on the tree. He remembered his grand father's words, started scratching his head and the monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, Laloo threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats. Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said
"You think only you have a grandfather?"

2005-11-27T02:31:00.000-08:00

After the student delivered the pizza to old Ken's house, Ken asked,
"What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other
guys say if I get 5 cents out of you, I'll be doing great."

"Is that so?" snorted Ken. "Well, just to show them how wrong they
are, here's five bucks."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this towards my studies."

"What are you studying?" asked Ken.

The lad smiles and said: "Applied Psychology."

2005-11-27T02:19:00.000-08:00

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

Hide the Duke

2005-07-12T03:08:00.000-07:00

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.
"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.
"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.
"Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!"

Two Frogs

2005-07-07T01:39:00.000-07:00

2 mendhak (frogs) jhil ke kinaare baithe huyein hote hain! kaafi der baadh pehla mendhak kehta hain........
tarr!
yeh sunke 2ra mendhak kehta hain.........
tarr!
SANNATA(silence)!
thodi der baadh................ 1 la mendhak kehta hain............
tarr!
to 2ra mendhak kehta hain.................
tarr!
FIR SANNATA!
bohot der baadh.... 1 la mendhak kehta hain................
tarr! t
o 2ra mendhak kehta hain................... tarr!
FIR SE SANNATA.. Bohot der baadh............. 1 la mendhak kehta hain............
tarr! tarr!
to 2ra mendhak kehta hain........ abey, topic mat change karr !!!!

Musharraf in Tunnel:

2005-07-05T02:40:00.000-07:00

Vajpayee, Musharraf, Madhuri Dixit and Margaret Thatcher are traveling in a train. The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. Thatcher and Vajpayee are sitting there looking perplexed.
Musharraf is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

Thatcher is thinking: "These Pakistanis are all crazy after Madhuri. Musharraf must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him"

Madhuri is thinking: "Musharraf must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Margaret instead and got slapped."

Musharraf is thinking: "Damn! it, Vajpayee must have tried to kiss Madhuri, she thought it was me and slapped! me."

Vajpayee is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Musharraf again."

Trainee first day

2005-06-18T05:39:00.000-07:00

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day, he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone :
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialled the
wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to ?"

"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you
IDIOT ?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

How ten famous people reacted when they were invited to a party:

2005-06-18T05:37:00.000-07:00

1 Archimedes was buoyant.

2 Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

3 Ohm resisted the invitation, at first.

4 Darwin said he would have to see what evolved.

5 Edison said it would be an illuminating experience.

6 Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.

7 Wilbur Wright accepted provided that he and Orville could get a flight.

8 Morse replied: "I`II be there on the dot; can't stop now, must dash"

9 Said Einstein: "Attending your party would be relatively simple."

10 "To sum up," said Ramanujan,"my chances of coming are zero."

fastest way of communication

2005-06-18T05:36:00.000-07:00

telegram
telephone
television
tell-a-woman

Naye zamaane ke kabeer ke dohe

2005-06-18T05:35:00.000-07:00

Jo tujhko kaanta boye usko boya tu bhaala
Wo bhi saala yaad karegaa kis se pada tha paala

Aisi vaani boliye man ka aapa khoye
Sun ne waala saat janam tak fafak fafak kar roye

Gangaji ke ghat par bicycle ki bheed
Tulsidas puncture kare hawa bharat hai Kabir

Khandala ghatna ghati, ghtna badi gambheer
Tulsi das ne chhedi ladki pakde gaye Kabir

Aaj kare so kal kar, Kal kare so parson
Aisi bhi kya jaldi hai yaaro jab jeena hai barson

Sai itna deejiye jaame kutumb samaaye
Ek santro, Vasai mein bungalow aur aishwarya mil jaaye

Dukhiya sab sansaar hai jaage aur roye
Sukhiya kavi ****** hai khaaye aur soye

Right - Left Brain

2005-06-18T04:04:00.000-07:00

One day, Mr. Tung went to the doctor because he suspected that
his brain had some problems.
The doctor carefully went through all the check-ups and spoke to
Mr. Tung after getting the reports,
?Well, Mr. Tung, the situation is?hm?you see?there are two brains
in your head, one is left brain and the other is right brain.In your left
brain, there is nothing right; in your right brain,there is nothing left.?

MEN / WOMEN

2005-06-18T04:01:00.000-07:00

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
stays at home.

I want Her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen. God, in his infinite
wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set
out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry
cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put
away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the e check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and Bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds,do the
laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way; home. Set out milk and cookies and got
the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for
supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and,though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love
which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was! Thinking. I was so
wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back. "

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things
back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."...

Strategy

2005-06-18T03:56:00.000-07:00

Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?
"The barman says "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over andsays, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"
Bush says, "We're planning world war 3."
"The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman." And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"
Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"

Proposal

2005-06-18T03:54:00.000-07:00

Man (to a woman passing by): Jaaneman, is dil mein aaja.
Woman: Sandal nikaalun kya?
Man: Pagli, yeh mandir thodai hai. Aise hi aaja . . .

What Lawyers should not ask ....

2005-06-15T05:34:00.000-07:00

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.....

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs.

You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you
never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I
know you. "

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state .Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I
know him." The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you b#$&#@ asks her if she knows me,
I'll throw you in jail for contempt."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson

2005-06-15T05:29:00.000-07:00

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Jokes

2005-05-20T05:53:00.000-07:00

When u feel lonely and alone & cannot see any one around you,
the world seems to be fading away,
come along with me
i'll take u to an eye specialist !!
---------------------------------------------------------
January to december
sunday to saturday
Am to Pm
My feelings for u have never changed.......
u....
R....
always....
a HEADACHE to me !!!!
----------------------------------------------------------

If marriages are made in heaven , then what are made in Hell?
Ans : the days after marriage
--------------------------------------------------------------
During Marriage ceremony why is the bridegroom is made to sit on the
horse
?
He is given his last chance to run away.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Just close ur eyes and think of urself for 10 seconds......
Open ur eyes !
Now you will realize that u have wasted 10 sec in thinking of a
fool............
--------------------------------------------------------------
I wrote ur name on the sands.............
it got washed away,
I wrote ur name in air..........................
it got blown away,
So i wrote ur name in my heart.............

i got a HEART ATTACK
---------------------------------------------------------------
LOVE is like a CIGAR
It starts with a fire..... continues with smoke.....and ends in ashes...

But dont worry - we are chain smokers
-------------------------------------------------------------------
ur smile can be compared to a flower
ur voice can be compared to a cuckoo
ur inocence to a child
but in stupidity
u have no comparison
u r the best
--------------------------------------------------------------------
True love is like a pillow
u can hug when u r in trouble
u can cry on when u r in pain & u can embrace when u r happy
so when u need true love
spend Rs.50/-Buy a pillow
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Friend,

when i ask u flower,
u give me bouquet
when i ask u a stone
u give me a statue
when i ask u a feather
u give me peacock

ARE U REALLY DEAF ?
---------------------------------------------------------------

I had VODKA with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had WHISKY with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had RUM with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I SWEAR I'LL NEVER DRINK water....!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
when i call u;
1 ring means i'm thinking of u;
2 ring means i like u;
3 means i miss u;
4 means .........pick d phone idiot
------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher : four beautiful ladies r walking on the road. change it to
exclamatory sentence ...
Student : WOW !
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The human brain is most outstanding thing.......
it functions 24hrs 365 days.....
it functions right from the time u r Born....until you fall in love
---------------------------------------------------------------------
SMILE - is a language of love
SMILE - is a source to win hearts...
SMILE - creates greatness in ur personality
SO....
Brush ur Teeth today onwards
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min..
A beer shortens your life by 4 min..
A working day shortens your life by 8 hours!!!!..
---------------------------------------------------------------------
History Teacher : From where to where did the mughals rule ?
Student : sir, i am not sure but think from page 15 to 26 sir....
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher : U failure ! @ ur age Bill gates stood first in the class
Student : Mind u, Sir, but @ ur age hitler commited suicide